Huppke: A world overrun (cooperatively) by betas
Alpha dog barks foul at book that touts collaborative spirit over domineering leadership
General George S. Patton, Jr., In Austria (Interim Archives, Getty Images / December 31, 1969)
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I consider myself a bit of an alpha dog. You can tell by my broad(ish) shoulders, bold sentence structure and the way I call my coffee "morning gravy."
So imagine the horror — the bold, alpha-dog horror — I felt recently upon seeing a book titled, "The Fall of the Alphas." I don't generally let books tell me what's what, but this one got me scared.
Sitting at Starbucks, handsomely stirring my morning gravy with a fistful of stirring sticks, I wondered: Is there a war brewing against take-charge people like me?
According to author Dana Ardi, there just might be. In her book, she writes: "No doubt about it: this historical, hierarchical Alpha paradigm had a heralded, unprecedented run. For thousands of years, it was the model for nearly every group of human beings, from the Roman Empire to 1950s America, from Patton's Third Army to Jack Welch's General Electric to Tom Brady's New England Patriots. It was the traditional way to lead a company, structure an organization, and run a family. But everything comes to an end."
What? You just got done acknowledging how awesome Brady is, and now you tell me alpha-ism is over? That's like saying, "These pancakes taste delicious; let's never make them again."
Ardi's argument is that the alpha men and women of the world are swiftly being replaced by betas, people able to communicate and cooperate in a fast-moving and complex age of information. She defines betas like this: "They influence rather than intimidate. They play to their strengths and seek help from others to compensate for whatever skills they lack."
She says they listen and guide rather than command. They understand that everyone in an organization — whether it's a business or a family — is a contributor.
Obviously for us alpha dogs, this sounds absolutely dreadful. Why do I need someone who is cooperative when I can just yell at that person and make him do what I want? And what does Ardi mean by "skills they lack"? Last I checked, one of my primary skills is not acknowledging that I lack any skills.
To get some feedback on this issue, I sent a tweet to my close personal friend and hair-care mentor Donald Trump. The tweet read: "T-dog. Read this book about how alpha leaders are being replaced by people who are more cooperative. You buyin' this?"
And you know what? He didn't respond. You know why? BECAUSE HE'S AN ALPHA DOG, AND THAT'S HOW WE ROLL!
Now aside from Trump and me having issues with the meek inheriting our Earth (OK, technically Trump's Earth), there are some logistical problems with Ardi's beta-run society.
She says the beta folks "play to their strengths." But what about, say, members of Congress? Their only strength is alpha-related: getting paid to do nothing — loudly — without ever listening to anyone who isn't carrying a bushel basket full of money.
If you try to make our political alphas into betas, they'll be strengthless and wind up wandering around aimlessly filibustering people while democracy slips into the hands of leaders who are cooperative and agreeable. I'm no expert, but that sounds unconstitutional to me.
The final problem with the War on Alphas is, of course, the fact that it opens the door for dogs to overtake and enslave us.
As anyone who has ever owned a dog knows, the hierarchy of the pack is important. If you don't make it abundantly clear to your dog that you're the leader of the pack, Bowser will ignore you and do as he pleases.
If we become, as Ardi suggests, a nation of betas, canine anarchy will ensue. I'd guess that within two weeks the nation's dogs will have the military using tanks to fire balls across the park, and our currency will be switched to the kibble standard. Cats will be rounded up and launched, via catapult, into Canada, and Americans will be banned from asking the perfectly reasonable question: "Who's a good boy?"
I'll be damned if I'm going to live under the paw of some hypoallergenic Labradoodle.
This country was founded by alpha humans, proud people with a singular vision of how the world should work. And now some dare suggest that we alter our societal structure simply because it makes sense and is the right thing to do and is more effective and nicer and smarter.
What about principles? What about tradition? What about the fact that I'm always right?
Near the end of her book, Ardi writes: "Everywhere I look, the world is going Beta."
Well, you're not lookin' at me, Ms. Ardi. Or maybe you are, but the steam from my alpha-dog mug of morning gravy is conveniently obscuring your view.
rhuppke@tribune.com
So imagine the horror — the bold, alpha-dog horror — I felt recently upon seeing a book titled, "The Fall of the Alphas." I don't generally let books tell me what's what, but this one got me scared.
Sitting at Starbucks, handsomely stirring my morning gravy with a fistful of stirring sticks, I wondered: Is there a war brewing against take-charge people like me?
According to author Dana Ardi, there just might be. In her book, she writes: "No doubt about it: this historical, hierarchical Alpha paradigm had a heralded, unprecedented run. For thousands of years, it was the model for nearly every group of human beings, from the Roman Empire to 1950s America, from Patton's Third Army to Jack Welch's General Electric to Tom Brady's New England Patriots. It was the traditional way to lead a company, structure an organization, and run a family. But everything comes to an end."
What? You just got done acknowledging how awesome Brady is, and now you tell me alpha-ism is over? That's like saying, "These pancakes taste delicious; let's never make them again."
Ardi's argument is that the alpha men and women of the world are swiftly being replaced by betas, people able to communicate and cooperate in a fast-moving and complex age of information. She defines betas like this: "They influence rather than intimidate. They play to their strengths and seek help from others to compensate for whatever skills they lack."
She says they listen and guide rather than command. They understand that everyone in an organization — whether it's a business or a family — is a contributor.
Obviously for us alpha dogs, this sounds absolutely dreadful. Why do I need someone who is cooperative when I can just yell at that person and make him do what I want? And what does Ardi mean by "skills they lack"? Last I checked, one of my primary skills is not acknowledging that I lack any skills.
To get some feedback on this issue, I sent a tweet to my close personal friend and hair-care mentor Donald Trump. The tweet read: "T-dog. Read this book about how alpha leaders are being replaced by people who are more cooperative. You buyin' this?"
And you know what? He didn't respond. You know why? BECAUSE HE'S AN ALPHA DOG, AND THAT'S HOW WE ROLL!
Now aside from Trump and me having issues with the meek inheriting our Earth (OK, technically Trump's Earth), there are some logistical problems with Ardi's beta-run society.
She says the beta folks "play to their strengths." But what about, say, members of Congress? Their only strength is alpha-related: getting paid to do nothing — loudly — without ever listening to anyone who isn't carrying a bushel basket full of money.
If you try to make our political alphas into betas, they'll be strengthless and wind up wandering around aimlessly filibustering people while democracy slips into the hands of leaders who are cooperative and agreeable. I'm no expert, but that sounds unconstitutional to me.
The final problem with the War on Alphas is, of course, the fact that it opens the door for dogs to overtake and enslave us.
As anyone who has ever owned a dog knows, the hierarchy of the pack is important. If you don't make it abundantly clear to your dog that you're the leader of the pack, Bowser will ignore you and do as he pleases.
If we become, as Ardi suggests, a nation of betas, canine anarchy will ensue. I'd guess that within two weeks the nation's dogs will have the military using tanks to fire balls across the park, and our currency will be switched to the kibble standard. Cats will be rounded up and launched, via catapult, into Canada, and Americans will be banned from asking the perfectly reasonable question: "Who's a good boy?"
I'll be damned if I'm going to live under the paw of some hypoallergenic Labradoodle.
This country was founded by alpha humans, proud people with a singular vision of how the world should work. And now some dare suggest that we alter our societal structure simply because it makes sense and is the right thing to do and is more effective and nicer and smarter.
What about principles? What about tradition? What about the fact that I'm always right?
Near the end of her book, Ardi writes: "Everywhere I look, the world is going Beta."
Well, you're not lookin' at me, Ms. Ardi. Or maybe you are, but the steam from my alpha-dog mug of morning gravy is conveniently obscuring your view.
rhuppke@tribune.com
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